Dedication: this is for all you clients who have turned up here in these past 21 years, it’s an honour to do this work. Much gratitude to you.
Last week I clocked that it was 21 years ago this summer since I first started working as a therapist. I remembered that I’d planned to write a book to celebrate this anniversary. Then I had #MeToo book deadlines - an awesome collection I co-edited and wrote for. Covid-19 then galloped over the horizon, and peri-menopausal, hypothyroid and anemic brain fog kept on happening. The said dreamed up ‘book’ sits on my laptop, consisting of a few hundred words and many bullet points (along with many Word doc friends keeping them company).
Remembering this book idea and how useful my ‘personal philosophy of counselling’ essay was in that first qualifying training, I thought I’d brainstorm the first 21 things that come to mind when I reflect on what matters most to me in therapy working. As I’ve stormed, tens of other things have come to mind, too, of course, so this is only a start - maybe I will write that book one day, after all. Here we go, to keep myself on track for the next 21 years….
Beginner’s mind
Act as if this is the very first therapy session I’ve ever offered, knowing full well that it isn’t.
Stay humble
I’m only as effective as the last therapy session, everything in life is unknown, work with that in mind.
Refer on
Don’t work with someone knowing you’re not well matched, especially when new in practice.
Safety
Burrow as far and as often as I can into understanding the koan of safety. I offer a safe context when therapy is the least safe thing for parts that are terrified to change. The disoriented, threatened, feeling endangered parts (the parts being mine, yours, in the collective field as well as the clients). Go to therapy and supervision to re-member firsthand this koan and the safety-danger dance.
Privileges
Know my privileges and know where I lack privilege in my intersecting identities. Attend to how these intersect dynamically with the privileges - and their lack – for each client. Avoid assumptions, keep de-colonising, de-supremacy-ising, exploring this terrain frequently and thoroughly in supervision, training and life.
Listen to bodies
Breathe in, breathe out and listen to the client’s body, too. Repeat. Know my traumas so I’m more present and knitted up to listen with all of myself. If in doubt slow down, if in confidence and trust, slow down. Pace with the client, pace with myself and listen out for the earth's drumbeat.
Listen to the earth
What have they got to say? Did I remember to greet the rain or sun or clouds on my way here? How about the plants in the room?
Lean into what I know
But don’t over lean, knowing stuff makes me no better, worse, nor any less fallible. Keep leaning in in as many ways as possible anyway. Don’t rely on clients to deepen my learning - they’re here for them, not me - take that to supervision.
Listen to the quieter voices
Inside me, inside you, in the field - everywhere. Listen even better to the unsaid or half-whispered things and respond tenderly.
Notice complacency
Remember I am in the presence of precious life in a sacred moment which’ll never happen quite like this again.
Notice the unseen and listen to the liminal
Be receptive to the presence of healed, well ancestors, vibrant spirits of place and other-than and more-than-human beings who show up, speaking sense. Beware the troubled ghosts and get help when needed.
Be-knitted in
Aim to offer and receive many different layers of support so we’ve enough vitality, as a therapy community, to do this work.
Containers – containing
Work outdoors or in a setting which is other than four square walls to remember what I habitually rely upon in the therapeutic 'container'. Notice when I am sitting too far back or too far forwards in the chair or on the park bench or log and adjust accordingly.
Boundaried boundlessness
Know intimately my own edges and leakiness and my own yes’s and no’s as I contract. The clearer and freer I am in what I offer, the more safely boundless the space.
Make amends
I make mistakes. Notice when I do, make amends and follow through. Have sound supervision, challenging and kind peers, and work within my capacity.
Many hats
Therapist, witch, auntie, kind parent, fairy good mother, priestess, jousting partner. Let the client move me around in who they wish me to be, within a playful yet solid frame of ethical practice, kindness, humour, safety and clear contracting.
Beware the therapy ‘profession’
We’ve a long way to go in this trade in so many ways. Have trusted workmates and networks, keep doing my/your bit with a profoundly wise, kind revolution in mind.
Regenerate
Have a hobby I love which is absorbing, physical and outdoors (at least some of the time).
Sacred fascination
Never take for granted that there’s a whole unique universe in each client and each therapeutic relationship - and then there’s the whole spectacular planet and everything and everyone in it.
Course it’s political
“I’m not into politics,” is a dangerous delusion. Therapy is a microcosm of the world, and I/we can help or hinder this reality more than I/we often remember, starting with the people in the room.
Power and potency
All 21 points could be about power and its potential, and its potential for harm and misuse. Or about the importance of power to, power with, power within in the therapy relationship, rather than the power over of business as normal in consensus reality. What’s at stake, power-wise in all the 20 previous points? How could we invite more potency – ours, the clients, the worlds - in each of the 21 points? Pay extra special attention to this one if you’re of many privileging, intersecting identities, in terms of class, age, colour, sexuality, gender, etc etc.
May all of us therapists keep on harnessing our skill, care and potency in catalysing the wise, kind therapy revolution 😊
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